I am sure that many of us have stared up into the nights sky, soaking in its massive wonder. And I am sure that there have been many of those sky gazers that have wanted to experience the wonders first hand, to be there among the stars.

That is the reason that I am writing this. To tell each and everyone of you that it is possible. Please put aside all of the information and biases that you may have collected over the years while watching television and what you might have heard in your classes at school. We have been taught that only the smartest and bravest can achieve such a lofty goal. And yes a very large bank account as well. But friends, I tell you, this is not the complete truth. If you follow my instructions, you can be orbiting the moon in a week or less. Now let the believers follow me to the stars.

As we think about our flight into space, we need to think about our flight capsule, propulsion, and guidance systems. We will also need to think about oxygen supply, radio communication and our flight suit.

So lets first start with our space capsule. I have done extensive research into this matter and believe that I have found the ideal space travel vehicle. Now you might get lucky and find one at your local land fill or maybe even a flee market. But it is my opinion that you would be better served going to your local home improvement center and purchasing a new front load washing machine. Now you will want to find the largest one possible because this will be your home as you leave earth’s orbit and travel to where no man has gone before.

Now lets discuss your space capsules propulsion needs. First lets start with a mechanical means of power. The five horse power Briggs and Stratton motor on your riding mower should work just fine. Now for other power sources. I would recommend the largest incendiary propulsion devices that you can find. You would find these at your local fireworks stand. They would be in the section labeled, “Bottle Rockets.” Now don’t be shy, purchase as many as you can haul in your Rider rental truck. Now one word of advice, after making a purchase of this size, you may be questioned, or detained by some branch of the government. I would suggest that you just be honest and up-front with them as they question you relentlessly. Once they understand that you are building a space vehicle, they will let you go with their approving smile.

Now for our guidance system. We will be using some of our incendiary propulsion devices to help guide us through space. But there will be times that more subtle changes in our flight pattern will be needed. So for this we will need nothing less than an old Kirby vacuum cleaner. I mean really, have you seen the commercials? Now that’s some real power.

Now if we are going to travel through space it would be more than convenient to be able to breath. Now there are as many solutions to this dilemma as there are questions. So I will tell you what I believe will work best. Go to the nearest dive shop and rent some air tanks and a breathing apparatus. Now I don’t believe that they can rent this equipment to just anyone so you might have to take one of their diving courses before you are allowed to rent their equipment. Now don’t look at this as a set back since you will be able to use your experiences learned in the diving class during your walks in space.

Now I am sure that when you do break the earth’s atmosphere, you will want to brag to your family and friends.
Now we all know that no-one has the lung strength to scream load enough for their voice to travel the thousands of miles back home; so we will need something to help us with that task. And fortunately, I have the answer. The next time that you are at Wal-Mart, or better yet, Radio Shack, pick up a pair of hand held radios. You can find them for as little as twenty dollars and up to several hundred dollars. Now I will let you make the decision on the amount that you are willing to pay. But from my experience, there is really not a discernible difference between them, especially not enough to make the extra cost worth while. Now you might read on the package that it might have a range of up to fifteen miles. And you might say that is no where near enough. But the reason this distance is given is because they are intended to be used on ground. And as we all know there are many obstacles that can obstruct the radio frequency’s path, such as mountains and tall buildings. But since we will be using them from space, and we will be talking straight down, there will be nothing to obstruct our radio communication.

As we think about spending time in space, we need to think about what we will be wearing. And yes that is what we will be discussing now, your space suit. I would recommend that while you are at your local home improvement store to pick up a pair of painters overalls. The main reason for this being the best choice is that it is the only thing that I could think of that was one piece and white. Now you would not want to be out there in orbiting the earth and pass the guys from NASA while wearing something purple would you? I think that would only cause you years of ridicule once you arrive back on earth. You will also need to pick up one roll of regular duct tape and twenty-nine rolls of the metal duct tape. The regular tape will be used to seal off you space suit and the metal tape will be discussed later.

One last thing before we start to build your space machine. You will need to burrow or purchase a helmet. If you don’t have any friends that ride motorcycles, you can probably find several at the pawn shop. Once you have found one to your liking. I would suggest that you get into your kids finger paint set and decorate your helmet accordingly. The reason that I suggest this is because once you have journeyed home, you are likely to find a multitude of news reporters taking pictures and asking questions. You will want to look your best.

Now lets get busy building your space craft. The first thing that you will want to do is re-wire your front loading washing machine so that the controls can be easily reached from the inside of the vessel. The reason that you will want to do this is because you may need to adjust to the spin cycle to counteract the spinning of your capsule. No one wants to lose their breakfast over Alaska.

The second thing that you will need to do is to mount the five horse power motor to the underside of the washing machine, I mean space capsule. I would recommend using some strong bolts, super glue and bread ties to securely fasten the motor. Now to the shaft of the motor, you will need to attach a prop. I have found that the fan blades of your generic box, or window fan works quite nicely. Now build a stand and get the help of a friend and lift the craft so that it is sitting securely on said stand.

Now the next step would be to pay your friend twenty bucks and beg him to promise not to mention this to anyone. Now its time to install the incendiary propulsion devices. (Bottle rockets.) You will want to add a small piece of metal tape to each bottle rocket. Now it is important to remember that you will want to position most of the propulsion devices vertically. But there will be a need to place the others on a forty five degree angle; some pointing to the right and some to the left. You will then need to add longer fuses to each so that they will reach the interior of your space craft. And this is of the utmost importance, label each and every fuse as to its orientation. If you fail to do this, you will be guessing each to time that you want to change direction.

Now get that old dusty vacuum cleaner. It would be in your best interest to remove the collection bag because it will only add unwanted weight and it would burn up when you re-enter the earths atmosphere. Now you need to run a couple of screws through the handle and into the side of the machine. Once you have that fastened, remove the battery from your car and fasten it to the top of the machine. At this point you will want to shorten its power cord and connect the wires to the controls on the interior of you space machine and then run some wires from there and connect them to the car battery.

Now take the twenty-eight remaining rolls of metal duct tape, it’s the silver shiny tape. You will want to start at the bottom, running the tape around your space craft. Now it is important to remember to not cover the business end of the incendiary propulsion devises or the vacuum end of the vacuum cleaner. It is also important to remember not to tape the door shut either. It would be a shame to have built such a spectacular space craft, but be unable to enter into it. Now your ship should be completely silver except for what we mentioned above.

Now lets climb into our painters space suit. Once you are suited up, call your bribed friend back over and have him take the regular duct tape and wrap it around your wrists and ankles, making sure that it is a tight seal. Now put on your newly fashioned helmet and secure it tightly with the chin strap. Now as you prepare to enter your space capsule is important to take in a deep breath and then let it out quickly just before you test your ability as a contortionist as you step through the small opening. Once inside, take the breathing apparatus and place it in your mouth and engage the oxygen. You will need the oxygen long before you get to outer space because of the cramped position you are sitting in.

Now have your friend hand you the Bic lighter. (That’s another thing you need to add to your list.) Now have your friend shut and secure the door, and give him the thumbs up signal. At this time you will probably feel your craft shift from side to side. But this is caused from your friend pulling the starting cord to the Briggs and Stratton motor. Once the motor starts, the machine should stop shifting. At this time, you should be able to hear the motor running and feel the vibration as well. Once you are sure that you friend has stepped a safe distance away, you will be very close to lift off. You need to count either seventy-nine, or one-hundred and thirty-eight fuses. Make sure that they are labeled, “Vertical.” Now if you live in the northern part of the country, or higher elevation, then you should be able to lift off with the lesser amount. But if you live in the south, you will need to use the higher number because the humidity is harder to fly through.

Okay, its time. Flick your Bic and hold it to the fuses. Now all you have to do is waive good-bye to your friend and enjoy the ride. Now don’t be alarmed at the incredible amount of smoke in the cabin. Its just from the burning fuses. But thankfully you are all ready using you oxygen. But you may want to close yours eyes for a while. I am pretty sure that may start to sting if you don’t. But anyway, we will see you in the stars before you know it.

Now you may ask where I get my experience and knowledge of space travel. Well let me say that I have actually flown in an airplane three times. It really didn’t look that complicated to me. But the main reason that I feel so confident about the success of my plans is this. Over the years I have spent some time in book stores and as you are in the process of starting a family, you realize just how ill prepared you are for the task of raising a child. So you look for help any where that you can find it. It was then that I noticed an author that seemed to have all the answers about raising children. The Authors name; Dr, Spock. The reason that I say that is because of the number of books that he has written. I don’t believe that any one would be able to write that much and not know what they were talking about. So. Logically, it would be easy to say that he is an expert on the subject. It is said that his books sold more than any others, coming in second, just behind the Bible.

But then I read that his grandson died after jumping to his death from the top of the Boston Children’s Museum in 1983. I can’t continue without expressing that I am so very sorry for the families tragic loss, but the suicide shows that Dr. Spock was just a man that had hopes, dreams and opinions. But for some reason, we trusted his advice to an unhealthy degree. We have to ask ourselves, we have to wonder, how many other lives were affected in a negative way through his writings?

So if you look at the evidence, it is easy to back up my belief that my space travel plans will work just about as well as Dr. Spock’s advice on raising children. So for those of you that have not all ready rented the moving van and headed to your local home improvement store, it is time that we use some common sense and start “raising” our children. Remember that Dr. Spock’s books out sold all others, except the Bible. It is now time to decide which teachings you are going to follow. I think that we have all either heard or read what the Bible says about raising children.

In Proverbs 13:24 it says that if you do not discipline your child, you hate them. If you love them, you discipline them when necessary.

Just look at the increase in crimes committed by young people. It is scary. I believe that this is a direct result of parents not parenting their children. And yes that means disciplining when needed. Here is a list of other Biblical writings that everyone needs to read.
Proverbs 19:18
Proverbs 22:15
Proverbs 23:13
Proverbs 29:15, 17